This post is about
hydraulic electronic brakes.
Yup, you read that right.
Because what the world truly needs is additional bike e-gadgetry. Don’t worry…the system will include “mathematical calculations to check such systems automatically.” I hear the whole thing runs on a computer running Windows Me. The proponents of the technology also point out that they can integrate anti-lock braking and traction control…and frankly, with my massive power output, it would be helpful to have a computer deciding how much wattage I can throw down, so I can stop burning through rear tires so quickly.
I believe version 1.2 of the technology will include a wireless controller that is held by a safety monitor who follows you around on a gas scooter…so the safety monitor can apply your brakes safely in the event that you ride too quickly. It will also permit automatic enforcement of speed limits on multi-use trails–so if you exceed 10mph, the brakes will automatically bring you to a stop and hold you until park police arrive. And finally, the brakes will have a feature where Starbucks can stop passing cyclists at will, forcing you to come in for a $7 cup of coffee (price increase due to the technology they have to purchase to enable forcible stops).
When I think about how incredibly reliable wireless networks and cellular communications are, the first thing that comes to mind is: ‘Man, I wish there was a way that my ability to stop a bike depended on this wireless network.’ I’m envisioning something along the lines of:
RATG riding along. Applies brakes to avoid obstacle.
Braking Computer: “DNS Error. Please renew your wireless host by unplugging brakes for 30 seconds.”
RATG crashes into obstacle.
The good news is that your wireless brakes will integrate with both your electronic drivetrain and the electric motor concealed in your seattube.